How Much Botox Would Superman Need?

Watching James Gunn’s new Superman with my daughter this week, conjured up happy memories of watching Superman IV with my dad back in 1987. Back then, I suppose, I didn’t know that I would one day become an Aesthetics Doctor. And although I’ve watched several Superman movies since, for some reason as I watched Superman furrow his brow as he strained under the weight of a skyscraper and the emotional weight of saving humanity again, I couldn’t help but wonder: how much botox would Superman need?

In the aesthetics industry it is often estimated that men need about 1.5-2 x more than a woman. Everyone is different. But the reason men typically need more is because men typically have stronger muscles. Botox weakens muscles, so the stronger the muscles, the higher the dose required to achieve the same result.

So how strong are Superman’s muscles? Grok (other AIs are available) was quick to point out that it would be impossible for men to lift a skyscraper, because it would take the strength of one million of them and it would be impossible to fit them all together in the cramped space needed to do their lifting. But, based on lifting a skyscraper, we know that Superman is in this scenario, one million times stronger than a regular man. In other Superman franchises, he’s been known to move planets out of orbit or even turn the earth backwards on its axis to turn back time. This would require strength billions or even trillions of times greater. But I want to be realistic here.

Superman does have noticeable forehead, frown and crows feet lines, so it would be wrong of me not to consult with him about all three areas. For a regular man, that would mean using 75-100 units of Botox in total. So the maths here can be simplified to 100 units x 1 million = 100,000,000 units. I wouldn’t charge him any extra for my time, it would be an honour after all, especially with everything he’s doing in the world. But I don’t think my clinic could afford to absorb the extra product cost of £140,000,000, even if we had a good month.

But there are other factors to consider. How would I inject through the skin of the man of steel? The only way would be to use a needle fashioned from kryptonite. But would he even let me near him with kryptonite? Doctors in the UK at least, are still seen as quite trustworthy members of society, but you could see why he’d be anxious as an American. But let’s say I won him over. The larger of the injections would contain around 200 litres of fluid. Some of my clients are paranoid about going out into the street with little bumps on their forehead 0.06ml in size. These only last 30 minutes or so. Superman may absorb these fluid bumps faster than the average person, but he certainly wouldn’t look his best with several tons of fluid in his face. But let’s assume he’s willing to put up with the downtime and my thumb is strong enough to inject that amount of fluid. That’s how it could be done.

However, there is one big thing that I’ve overlooked. Human wrinkles are caused by a variety of factors, with the main one being damage from UV light. Superman’s body has the opposite response. UV light actually makes him heal faster. So if I didn’t take that into account and advise him strongly against Botox in the first place, I’d not be doing my own job super well.